Sunday 30 October 2011

A Parenting Proposal

Please note, this is a work of irony. Tongue in cheek sarcasm. ;)

With all the debate about parenting, breast feeding vs formula feed, to breast feed in public, to breast feed beyond a year; to co-sleep, bed share or cry it out; to vaccinate, to delay or forgo vaccinations; to cloth diaper, to use disposables, to use elimination communication. How are mother's to know how to properly raise and care for their children? Due to the lack of common knowledge and understanding as how to adequately raise a child, the author has taken it upon herself to create a guideline for parents to follow. It is suggested that the World Health Organization as well as individual governments adapt this as the "right" way to raise a child and enforce it by law, especially with the understanding we know have that all babies have the same needs and temperaments.

Note, should you feel your child has other needs or you consider him to be "different", "fussy" or "colicky", be sure to spend one week following these specific instructions, or, as a last resort, take the advice of your mother and/or mother-in-law. They raised an entire generation of children and "nothing happened to them".

Firstly, all women should use an obstetrician and give birth in a hospital, monitored by doctors and nurses. They should go to the hospital upon the waters breaking or contractions becoming so severe, she can no longer talk through them. Upon arrival she will be given an epidural for the pain, a shot of pitocin to "get things going" and an episiotomy. Women used to die in childbirth, under no circumstances should they be allowed to "trust" their bodies, doctors are trained to know what a woman in labor needs. It should be at the doctor's discretion as to what interventions, cesarian section included, are needed to bring the baby into the world. A doctor delivers the baby after all, the woman only carries it.

After the delivery, the baby should be cleaned, weighed and checked before bringing her to the mother. The baby will likely be hungry, so the doctor will have a bottle ready for use as the mother's milk will not have come in yet. She will also be given formula and pacifiers to taken home.

The mother should use formula, or, if she prefers, expressed breast milk to feed the baby at night. This way her mother and mother-in-law can spend time with the baby and help to feed him. The mother may choose to breast feed, but should no that this is a very lonely task. It should be done in privacy so as not to make anyone who may be visiting uncomfortable. Breasts should remain covered, so the mother will want to invest in extra blankets or a nursing cover so as not to expose herself unnecessarily. She should not venture out in public when the baby may need to eat if she is going to breast feed unless there is a private room for nursing mothers. She should never breast feed in a restaurant where other people are eating, it may ruin their meals if others are forced to watch her nurse her baby.

By one year the infant must be weaned, no mother should be breast feeding a child that can "ask for it". There are formula and milk substitutes that will adequately nourish a growing toddler without making other uncomfortable. The infant should already be accustomed to alternate food sources as, by six months old, she should be eating solids at every meal. Rice cereal is the best source, mother's need not bother themselves with homemade food that will take up freezer space and require containers to carry around while she is running errands. Jarred or freeze dried baby food is best for babies. It is the correct consistency and is already categorized by age, so the mother will know what to feed the baby at each stage. Purees are best for babies, they do not have teeth, giving a child larger chunks is a choking hazard and should be avoided until one year, when the baby food experts begin to sell small portions for toddlers.

Babies may sleep in a bassinet in the parent's room up until the age of three months. At the three month mark, the baby must be sleep trained, which will include leaving her to cry in her crib until she falls asleep. The baby is never to be brought to bed with the mother. This will spoil the baby, she needs to know how to comfort herself. The mother may choose to wear headphones or turn up the television, or, even better, to do housework while the infant learns to put himself to sleep. The baby may cry for hours, but the mother must be strong and know that nothing is wrong, he just needs to cry it out.

All babies should use cloth diapers. They are been perfected since earlier models and will reduce the garbage the husband has to take out. The mother will be responsible for laundering the diapers, she has a year off after all, she has plenty of time. A good time would be while the infant is crying it out. If the mother is getting behind on the laundry, she may choose to use disposable liners, but should be careful to not make a habit of it. The baby must be toilet trained by two years of age. There is not excuse to not have a child potty trained before their second birthday. The child must sit on the toilet after all naps and meals. If she soils herself, she should be punished so that she knows that all body eliminations must happen on the potty. Elimination communication is a viable option, but the mother must be careful as she will be responsible for the laundering of any clothing or bed sheets that the child may soil.

All parents must vaccinate their children on schedule without burdening the doctor with their questions on whether or not it is necessary. As previously stated, doctors are the professionals and they know what is best. Parents will vaccinate their children with all possible vaccines, those not covered by public healthcare will come at a cost to the parents, but that is a small price to pay for the safety of the general population.

Parents must carefully read parenting books and take note at when milestones should be achieved. Babies should be rolling over by three months of age, crawling by six, standing by nine and walking by one year. By one year they should also begin using words. Parents should not introduce sign language, it will interfere with their speech development, parents must use words to communicate, as a parent you should know what your child needs. Tantrums are not acceptable, time outs and spankings will nip tantrums in the bud.

Should all parents follow the above guidelines, children will be better behaved and husbands will come home to a happier, more relaxed house. The mother must remember that, because she stays home with the infant, she is responsible for the overall growth, development and behavior of said baby. She must forgo outings and "me time" and instead focus on keeping her house clean, her child well behaved, and her work life (after her designated year off) organized. Mother's must remember that they do not know best, that is why the experts have published books and the doctors have degrees. She should take the advice of these learned people instead of going by her "gut", which is often simply hysterics and overbearing indulgence associated with becoming a mother.

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